I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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