Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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