I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
