I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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