the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
