No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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