Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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