I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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