I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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