a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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