Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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