a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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