im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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