I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
