her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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