my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
