Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
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He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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