I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
there's paper in my vomit.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
