I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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