I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
