So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
