The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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