Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
