When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I stole a fireplace last night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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