I just saw a hot homeless man
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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