The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
someone owes me an orgasm
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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