Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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