Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
