we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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