Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
