last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
