I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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