do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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