There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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