I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
