She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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