Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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