Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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