I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
