I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
