Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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