I'm gonna have a badass scar
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
