Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
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but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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