I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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