Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
