dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
