the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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