I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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