she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
