we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
