I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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