I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
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I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
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Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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