Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
