my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
