i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Randomize
