Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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