And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
